Here’s Why You Can’t Find a Man (2)

Hello readers,

Welcome back to SmalleeWrites! 💃🏾

On one hand, I’m all for being single for as long as you want, because it has its benefits. I personally have experienced the most growth and self-awareness during my time as a single girl, and while there have been some painful and lonely moments, they all led me to a place where I can break through some of my walls where necessary and do some inner work.

On the other hand, most people definitely don’t make it a goal to be single forever. Most of us want love and a partner to share our lives with, but we mistakenly go about trying to attain this thing we want so much in all the wrong ways. We continue to live life in the same way and hope that it will somehow lead to different results. We know that this doesn’t really make any sense, and yet we continue to operate from our ingrained default setting.

What I’m trying to say, in essence, is that despite the fact that you claim you want a relationship with a good man, there are some things you’re doing that could be sabotaging your chances at a healthy, happy fulfilling relationship.

Here are a few of them:

  • Having a “type” and refusing to deviate from it.

It’s OK to have standards and to have an idea of the kind of guy you want to be with, but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single thing you want, and that doesn’t mean you’re settling.

Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe you think his hobbies are lame. This all might be true, but it’s important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person.

You can make a list of three non-negotiable qualities you need in a man. This does not include things like how much money he makes or how far back his hairline is. Money won’t make for a happy marriage, and neither will a full head of hair, a chiseled jaw, or six-pack abs. Obviously you want to be attracted to your husband, but try not to get so caught up in the physical details. Also jot down three deal-breakers. This will help you gain clarity and perspective and take you away from relying on the long dating checklist you may have formed in your mind.

  • Aggressively pursuing any man that comes your way

Desperation is not sexy, sweetie. I totally understand wanting a man with all your heart and feeling rejected. However, actually getting aggressive in your pursuit of one never works, except when it comes to attracting users and abusers.

Good men don’t want women who will take anyone, and if you were honest with yourself, you probably wouldn’t want a guy who would take anyone, either. Tone it down a notch!

  • Expecting to date or holding out for someone who’s way out of your league.

As much as it pains me to say this, there is such a thing as dating out of your league, and trying to do this could mean that you’re missing out on decent men who would date you. If you want someone who’s incredible, you need to have something to offer them that’s equally sexy.

  • Moving with the wrong crowd

Part of meeting good men is hanging out with a crowd that has decent people in it. If everyone in your clique has domestic violence issues, cheating, and commitment issues, you’re not going to find a good man via that clique’s connections. Birds of a feather tend to flock together, so you might need to change your scene if you want to get a decent partner.

Either they’re filling your head with negativity, giving you bad advice, or behaving in such a way in public that keeps men from approaching you. It’s also possible your “entourage” is too large. Instead of going out with 4 or 5 friends, go out with just one.

There’s enough competition out there without you supplying your own. A lot of guys won’t bother to approach a woman in a group.

Flying solo is even better but it requires someone being comfortable in their own skin and not concerned with what others might think.

  • Not improving yourself

Everyone has something they can improve. I have my weight and my sometimes caustic attitude towards men, but others might have smaller issues. The better you look, act, and feel, the more attractive you are. The more attractive you are, the more likely it is that decent men will want you.

A little improvement can go a long, long way, so give it a try if things just aren’t working. You never know what might happen.

The number one way to attract love is to make yourself into a vessel that can receive it.

A successful relationship comes down to two things: the right person at the right time. The first thing that’s important to remember when it comes to relationships is that in general, like attracts like. That is, what you are or think you are is what you will attract.

If you don’t value yourself, you will go for someone who doesn’t treat you well, and you will be OK with it because he’s just validating how you feel about yourself.

  • You’re emotionally unavailable

If you are emotionally unavailable, you will attract a guy who is emotionally unavailable. Now, you can want to be in a relationship and at the same time be unavailable in your own way. If you’re afraid of getting hurt or feel like the guys you want always leave you, then you might subconsciously be putting up walls to protect yourself.

In order to attract a real relationship, you first need to make sure that you are in the right place emotionally. Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to fill a void or make you feel better about yourself. You also need to develop a firm sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a relationship.

It may seem like finding a great guy who likes you and sticks around, whereas the others couldn’t or wouldn’t, will take the sting out of past rejection, but it doesn’t work that way. If you’re still holding onto hurt from the past, then it will spill over into you relationships in the present.

Good self-esteem attracts someone capable not only of healthy interactions but of loving you for who you are. If you’re not sure of yourself inside, you’ll seek validation outside.

Solution: I read somewhere about someone who asks herself every day: “Would I want to date me today?” I think it’s a pretty amazing exercise and will help you realize where you’re falling short and what you need to work on.

If you want an emotionally healthy, confident, stable guy, then you need to make sure you mirror those qualities at the same level. I mean, why would a guy like that want to be with someone who is an insecure emotional mess? If you want that kind of guy, you need to be that kind of girl.

As soon as you’re in that place where you are your best self and you mirror the qualities you want, you’ll notice an instant change in your love life; you’ll find that you can easily get the kind of guy and the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted. This path with be different for everyone, but try as best you can to discover the best path for you.

  • You want a man who doesn’t want you

One of the biggest obstacles standing in your way and stopping you from having the relationship you want is wanting the guys who don’t want you. It’s a ubiquitous phenomenon. These days I see a lot of women plotting and strategizing to capture a man who does not seem to want to be captured…at least not by them.

I am an expert on the subject because for far too long the only guys who held any sort of intrigue for me were the ones I couldn’t quite have. And the ones who were head over heels in love with me and willing to do anything for me? Blech, I didn’t want them. I wanted to want them and everything they offered, but I just didn’t. And the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

For instance, I was once involved with a guy I’ll call Dayo. Dayo was yet another classic case of the type of guy I just couldn’t seem to resist. He was charming, charismatic, confident, fun, and always slightly beyond my grasp. He also had some deep-rooted emotional problems to deal with and some major commitment issues.

He was a classic “damaged case,” a guy who has a lot of potential hidden under a pile of issues. The “bad boy” who needs to be saved. And like many women, I wanted to be his healer, to be the woman who inspired him to break through his walls and finally commit. Does this sound like what you’re going through???

Damage cases are like a pair of super sexy shoes that are brutally uncomfortable. When you look at them they’re amazing—they’re beautiful and sexy and you have to have them. But when you wear them, you’re in agony. Then you take them off and experience euphoric relief, the most incredible feeling. But this feeling doesn’t come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something negative—pain. This experience is the same as dating an unavailable guy.

He seems to be everything you want, so enticing you can’t resist him. But when you have him, you just feel pain and discomfort. Your stomach is in knots as you wait for the next text, or for a sign that he truly cares. Then he gives you some breadcrumbs of indication that he does, and you’re ecstatic; you feel a rush of euphoria. But then he pulls back again and you’re back in those unbearable shoes. Then he comes back, and relief. And on and on it goes.

The rejection will be devastating on many levels, especially to your ego! I mean, take me for instance, I was supposed to know better at that point—I was a relationship blogger for crying out loud! But it happens to the best of us.

You can keep on chasing the high of removing those painful shoes and thinking that if only X would happen, then you would have that taking-shoes-off feeling forever; but as you get older and wiser, I hope you realize you don’t want to be on this roller coaster ride anymore. I hope you decide that a comfortable pair of shoes that give me the support you need and a steady feeling of ease is much better than a sporadic shocking jolt of relief.

  • The “Ex” Factor

Most of us are unaware of all the ways our past can bleed into our present – and even our future – if left unchecked.

I have been hurt a lot over the years, for which I am thankful. The pain has served me well in that it’s given me invaluable insights into relationships (and provided me with a plethora of content to write about!) but I also came to a point where I realized the extent to which I never fully processed and let go of some of that toxic baggage.

They say time heals all wounds, but I find that is only partially true. Time makes you forget or it makes the memories more distant, but it doesn’t automatically heal the wounds left behind. Healing from a devastating breakup isn’t a passive process; it is something you need to actively work on.

A relationship is going to unfold in only one of two ways: it will either last forever or it will fall apart. In order to get the relationship that lasts, you have to come to terms with all the ones that didn’t.

If you’ve just come out of a toxic relationship and you meet someone new, even if you feel very sure about his intentions you might have a really tough time fully trusting him and the relationship. More importantly, you might have a hard time trusting yourself and your own judgment because you chose the wrong guy(s) after all. Even if you knew my fears have absolutely nothing to do with him, you might have a hard time getting past them.

The subconscious doesn’t operate from a place of reason and logic, it operates from a place of emotion. What you need to internalize is that even though certain things feel real (like that he’s going to just leave you out of the blue one day, and you need to be on guard at all times lest you miss some warning sign), they are not reality. Feelings aren’t facts, and when you look at a situation objectively, you often see just how silly and unfounded your beliefs truly are.

Once you realize what’s happening, I hope you’re able to challenge some of those old faulty beliefs and replace them with newer, happier truths. I hope you’re able to finally relax and let love in. Your new guy will notice the change immediately, and your relationship improved drastically.

It isn’t always easy but is so worth it.

  • You’re not a happy/fun person to be around in general

Guys are attracted to good looks, great sense of humor, flirtation. People come off as positive and good natured attract others.

A huge portion of dating involves having enough social skills to get along with people, present the right image, and also just talk to people effectively.

A lot of the mistakes and issues that keep good women single all boil down to self-awareness and social skills. Thankfully, there are ways to improve these things and that can help you meet the man of your dreams.

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