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I am pretty sure we have all at one point or the other heard of the fastest man alive; at least in the fictional world. You haven’t? Then my friend you are sleeping on one of the most awesome characters to ever grace our human lives with its creation. I am talking about none other than the flash, the living embodiment of speed. The guy’s all flash and pizzazz, getting the job done in the blink of an eye and saving the day faster than I can type this sentence and I type pretty fast. Seriously though, if you have only seen the big screen or series adaptation of the character, I recommend picking up a comic book. He is worth every second.
Anyway, for those of us in the know, we know that there are several variations of the scarlet speedster out there and they all bring their different skill set to the fore. But I am not here to talk about Barry Allens, Wally Wests or Bart Allens. Nahhh, your favorite geek writer is here to talk to you about being a Flash in the sheets or as the non-geek folk call it, a two-second man.
I know, I know, we are all beast in the sheets and our ladies only bring out the hulk in us but let’s be honest, almost all of us have at one point or the other experienced a bit of flashiness in the sheets. Still not admitting? Well the Cleveland Clinic (an online health info page) estimates that about one in five men experience a case of premature ejaculation between the ages of 18 and 59. I don’t know about you, but that seems to be a pretty wide age gap.
Anyway I’m not here to judge you or make you feel bad.
I’m here to help you deal with such occurrences and keep them to the barest minimum. I am here to give you flash tips on how to handle being a Flash in the sheets.
First and foremost, it is important to note that despite societal outcry and noise about being a two second man, it is actually nothing to be ashamed of. It is something that can happen to anyone and having this at the back of your mind can help you bounce back for round two and help you, in the words of Shang Tsung in the Mortal Kombat Franchise, “Finish her!!!” And if you do know that this is a common occurrence with you, I would advise talking to your partner, your Iris so to say and letting her know what’s going to happen and how you intend to rock her world nonetheless. Don’t hype yourself up, knowing that boom shakalaka, two strokes later, everywhere is filled with baby cream.
Anyway, here are some tips on how to handle the Speed force coursing through your veins.
· TAKE A QUICK LAP
This is what the normies call masturbating. It is a guy fact that, your second time is always better, like the second coming of Jesus. So as a precaution, have a quick rub session before the main event or maybe get your partner involved by getting a blowjob, a hand job or maybe even a boob job. It’s usually effective and can add a couple of minutes to your duration if sex comes immediately after or a lot of minutes if the main battle doesn’t commence immediately after. To sum it all up, a quick rubba-dubba session can help you go from the flash to Usain Bolt.
· TOYING WITH THE VILLAIN
This time and this time only, your partner is the enemy. She needs to be defeated and sent to jail. But there’s a problem, you are the flash and she’s too slow for your liking, so what do you do with her? You toy with her. You play with her body using your skills and arsenal. Still don’t get it? I am talking about foreplay my brother. Foreplay! The most ignored part of sex for men, after all what’s the point if she’s already wet? Well let me tell you what the point is, foreplay can be used to give your girl orgasms before the actual even and let me tell you from experience there’s nothing quite like sex with a girl that’s already cum. They are more open to suggestions, more freaky, more likely to do you risqué sexual favors but most importantly, a partner that’s already cum is less likely to complain when your Speed force powers activate mid stroke. After all, both of you have reached nirvana already. So my dear brother, toy with that villain and delay the end of the fight by a mile.
· SPEEDFORCE DAMPENERS
I am not exactly sure the normies’ general term for these but I believe they are things like cock rings (If you don’t know what these are, have you really been a guest on this blog?) numbing creams and numbing condoms. Anyway, they are generally the things used to numb the sensitivity of the penis to stimulation and help prolong action. They come in all forms and are easily purchasable from the right sex toy merchant (hint hint) and they can help you go the distance in lesser time. The condoms are especially advisable, because of the extra protection against STDs, unwanted pregnancies and of course, early arrivals.
If you know anything about superheroes, you know, almost all of them have sidekicks. Batman and his Robins, Superman and his clones, Wonder Woman and her Amazonian fan girls and The Flash and his Kid Flashes. As a Flash, I totally recommend getting a sidekick. I am talking about toys my brother, dildos, vibrators, clit stimulators and all other sorts. You know the drill. Besides, you don’t have to be a flash to get toys for you and your girl, toys spice up your sexual lives and empower you with orgasms with minimum fuss. You might be thinking, I’m not man enough to make her cum, that’s why she’s replacing me with toys. Let me just point out that with a toy, you get to play with your girl’s body without all the physical stress of hammering away at her walls and if you are like me who loves to tease his partner, you might even get this clit stimulator that she can wear and you can control the thing with a remote in your pocket or on your phone. Go wild, get toys and empower you and your woman with orgasms.
You know the way Batman keeps going back despite the Joker kicking his ass the last issue, well, in your case, a flashy output should mean only one thing, go again. While recovery times do differ, it is advisable to get back into the fight as soon as possible and not be part of the lame guys who just roll off their partner and doze off. Hell how would you feel if a girl came and wore her bra and went back home after cumming from you playing with her tits (this is actually possible) totally ridiculous right? Well the situation is the same here, if you cum in sixty seconds, that’s good. Get down there and eat her out or keep teasing her body while you recover. Keep her in the mood for your second cumming and if possible third too. Life’s not that hard. Just keep fighting, the fight’s not over yet.
· GET AN ALTER EGO
All superheroes have an alter ego, a normal person that fits into the constraints of society, like Bruce Wayne to Batman, Clark Kent to Superman, Diana Prince to Wonder Woman and Barry Allen to the Flash. An alter ego in bed is another style, a different position, something that doesn’t quite get you there as quickly. It could be missionary style that’s your weakness switch to doggy, it could be staring at her tits that gets you to nirvana in three seconds, think of your grandma naked or something (don’t do anything that will make you lose your boner though) the point is, distract yourself and your senses and help yourself control the speedforce while hammering away at her walls. (Hint: some people just need to stop stroking to calm their balls down, so find your speed bump and use it)
· TAKE VELOCITY NINE (V9): Like most bodily functions, there’s a pill for this too. I’m sure we have at one point or the other, heard of that wondrous pill that can keep you in the game longer, cough, Viagra, cough, Trams, cough, sorry I just coughed all over your screens. Anyway I do not know what pill or whatever herb is best for slowing down the flash during knacks times but if you want to know the best way to go about getting such things I recommend meeting up with an actual medical expert and not all these “gbogbo arun” cure guys. Consult an expert, I can’t stress this enough, don’t go putting things into your body that will get you addicted or worse cause actual harm to your body.
So there you have it my lovely readers, tips on how to handle being the flash in the sheets. What do you think? Got something to add or to say? Got questions? Well sound off in the comments and I’ll do my best to reply. And just in case you didn’t catch my subtle hints on where to get toys and such, just contact Virago she knows the way forward.
Love, Your Favorite Geek.
-Dexter for SmalleeWrites
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