Ask Smallee: About Getting Out of That Toxic Situation(ship)

Dear Smallee,

I met a guy through my cousin in secondary school and we got talking. He’d text and call every day, he never went to bed without calling and when I didn’t pick up, he’s get upset. It went on for some time, until I realized I had developed feelings for him. Like real feelings. I wanted to tell him but I decided to wait and see if he felt the same way, so I kept quiet.

Each time I posted pictures of guys, he’d get jealous and angry and he’d complain. If he called and I couldn’t pick up because I was on another call, he’d get upset. So I thought he loved me, and I opened up about my feelings. From that day he changed towards me. I’d text him and it’d take days for him to reply. I’d call and get no response from him. And when I complained, he said I was nagging.

He said it’s my nagging that’s pushing him away so I stopped talking and took everything. Then he started posting pictures of several girls with lovey dovey captions. When I talked about it one time he got pissed and told me that I annoy him too much. Then I got angry and said something like “You’d never find a girl like me. No girl will ever love you” before blocking him.

Each time I’d block him, I’d try getting into a new relationship and it never worked. So I’d unblock him. I did that a lot. I’d always block and unblock. Then he’d say things like he knew I’d unblock him. None of my other relationships have worked because I always compare him to the other guys.

I’ve loved this guy since SSS3 and now I’m going to 400L in the university.

I don’t know what to do.

-F

Dear F,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me.

I’ll like you to know how truly sorry I am that you had to go through that.

Knowing your worth is all fine and dandy, but it can be exhausting if someone just won’t leave your mind/heart. Trust me, I know. But contrary to belief (and a lot of R’n’B songs), getting someone off your mind is actually pretty simple.

Before I go ahead and share how to do it, let me tell you this: Jealousy isn’t love, darling. Nobody should be allowed to mock your needs. Also, saying how a situation makes you feel isn’t nagging. Don’t ever get it twisted. And the fact that this man is still on your mind and in your heart after all this time doesn’t mean that he belongs in your life.

It’s not a sign of weakness, so don’t go out and do things that are out of character to prove your “strength”, don’t entertain guys that you ordinarily wouldn’t; you’ll just end up doing things that don’t align with your morals on top of feelings that haven’t gone away yet.

Also, please don’t fall for the misconception that there’s still hope for you with this person. If you do, that feeling will make you more receptive to him.

Why Is He Still On Your Mind?

It’s one or more of these reasons.

  • You have gone harder for him than he has for you. Your hopes have been higher, you have invested more, showed more love, and when it’s that real, it doesn’t fade away that easily. It’s the same as when you’re in a car and you’re going at full speed; it will be much easier for someone that’s just cruising at minimum speed to come to a complete stop. If you’re driving that fast, you’ll first have to slow down or risk the chance of doing some damage if you hit the brakes prematurely. That’s why you don’t go all in until after a guy has proven himself, and even then, there’s still a risk. There’s value in understanding that “Yes, I miss him, but I’m better than what he has to offer.” That’s acknowledging that yes, you love him in noun form but he does not deserve that love in verb form. As long as you understand that, you will eventually starve that love until it no longer has power over you.
  • Secondly, you’re probably wondering what “all these girls” have that you don’t. If you’re questioning why you weren’t good enough for him, know this. The fact that he didn’t recognise what he had or he did but took it for granted, doesn’t reduce your value in any way. You’re every bit as beautiful and amazing as you were before you met him, and you will make a good man a wonderful wife someday.
  • Thirdly, you’re probably wondering if he even cares. Like, as a human being. You’re wondering if he realises that he had all that love poured into him but threw it back in your face, if he even cares that he hurt you. Am I right? Yes? I know. And darling, it doesn’t matter whether or not he cares. What matters is what he’s doing about it. Is he asking for forgiveness and trying to treat you better? Or is he doing the same things without batting an eyelid? The question here shouldn’t be “Does he care?” but “Why should I care anymore?”

I know the next question is, “What do I do about it?” so here you go.

Instead of having that internal battle with yourself, here’s what you do; and I know a lot of people talk about self love and leave it at surface level, but the truth is, where your focus goes your energy flows.

You need to redirect all that focus that you were putting on him, back into yourself. A lot of people think it’s lame to take yourself out on dates, but I say do it. Stack up your money. Upgrade yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, all round. Go out with your girlfriends. Do what you want, and do it for yourself because you come first now, as it should have been all along.

Finally, please forgive yourself for letting someone treat you like that, and do better going forward. Grade them before you fall, and never ever dismiss red flags.

Now, about Getting Him Off Your Mind, here’s how

  • Firstly, you have to get your mind right about how much work this is going to be. If you don’t do this, nothing else will work. I don’t care how confident you felt when you made the decision to leave. At some point, it is going to get difficult, both physically and emotionally. And if you don’t get this clear from the beginning, you will confuse difficult with impossible and run back to him or allow him to come running back.
  • Secondly, you need to set boundaries. However you used to talk, see each other, spend time together, social media, work, school, whatever, you need to limit if you can’t completely withdraw all access that he has to you; because those are the ways that he was able to root himself on your subconscious in the first place. And while you may not be able to completely uproot him, giving those things any attention, replies, any energy at all, checking up on him, all those things will nurture those roots and keep him in your subconscious. So now is the time to kill these roots by starving them.

A lot of women think that because they know that they can do better than a particular guy, then cutting him off is going to be automatic, that they won’t even miss him at all or want to talk to him, but no, it doesn’t work like that. If you spent any amount of time trying to love someone, no matter how trash they were, no matter how badly they treated you, no matter how many times you say you have moved on and have found someone else, guess what! That energy is not going to leave you without a fight. And the only way you’re going to win that battle is to be strategic in facing where the attacks are coming from. Commit to wiping out all the ways you used to communicate.

  • The third thing you have to do to get him off your mind is to disrupt the dwelling, because it is going to happen. There will be times when you are living your best life, you haven’t thought about him in a while and out of nowhere, you will be replaying the memories you have of/with him. You will start and win arguments alone and be stuck wondering why what you had didn’t mean more to him. Whenever you catch yourself in these spells, you need to disrupt them immediately with an activity that requires you to focus. If you like to draw, do it. If you like to write, by all means please do it. Register in a gym if you want. Clean. Cook. But whatever you do, don’t listen to music that you can relate to because you will get in your feelings and you will have it on repeat for hours.
  • The last thing you need to do, and I know a lot of women won’t listen to this, but if you’re serious about healing and not just moving on, then you have to stay away from men romantically. Let’s be honest, you’re not ready for a relationship, you’re not even looking for one. You’re looking for someone who’s going to occupy your mind and body for you because you don’t want to do the hard work of occupying yourself with constructive activities and things that pour love back into you, but that’s exactly what you need to do.

The reason I say this is because if you go out in search of a new man now when you’re hurting, one of two things will happen. You’re either going to meet someone that’s even worse than the guy that you’re trying to get over and he’s going to take advantage of your vulnerability, make you not only catch feelings for him but also grow a dependency and he’s going to do even more damage than what you already have done on you. Or you could meet what could be the right guy but because you’re still measuring him by the other guy’s standards because he’s still on your mind, he (the new guy) is going to feel unappreciated and eventually he’s going to walk away. You might end up losing out on your blessing because, guess what, good men have standards too.

That’s why I’d advise you to focus on making good valuable friends instead, and who knows, when you’re ready, one of them just might be the one.

So like I said in the beginning, it isn’t going to be easy but it is simple. If you do these things, you’re going to get that man off your mind and keep the memory of him from messing up what could be a beautiful future for you.

But don’t forget, this is just the blueprint, the real work is up to you.

Good luck!

Please note that everything written here applies to both males and females. If you do all these, it’s only a matter of time before you move on from and heal from that toxic situation.

In life, you have to give yourself closure sometimes and not wait for anybody else to close the doors that wound open. You have to accept the apologies that you might not get. That’s the harsh unsexy truth and unfortunately, a part of being an adult.

If this post has been helpful in any way, or you have any misgivings about anything I’ve said here, don’t hesitate to let me know. And if you’d like to leave a few words of encouragement for F, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.

I’ll be in the comments section, guys.

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4 thoughts on “Ask Smallee: About Getting Out of That Toxic Situation(ship)

  1. I like the part you illustrated 2 things that ‘might’ happen if she gets another man without getting over the previous.
    And your advice on ‘friendship’ is dope. Just don’t get too engrossed (again). Stay friends, pick one of them (you’ll know who) “when you’re ready”…it works all the time.

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