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I hope this post meets you in impeccable health, loves.
My dears, we’ve come a long way since changing your Facebook status to “in a relationship” and posting “I love you @you” were considered benchmarks for a flourishing couple.
Nowadays, people can define a “slay queen” better than their own relationship status. While the times have most certainly changed, I’d argue that there is still a desire and need for a few common courtesies.
In general, I’m all about breaking rules, making your own, or not following any to begin with — but I also know that the 10 commandments are better off being followed, but do we even know them? If you don’t, here comes Smallee to the rescue!
I’ll break the 10 commandments into two: The 10 Commandments of Modern Day Dating and The 10 Commandments of Relationships, you’ll be understand my reason for doing this as you read on.
Without much ado, here they are:
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF DATING
1. Thou shalt treat thy date as a human, and not as an object of instant gratification in a sea of online dating matches. Get to know them, and take thy time.
[You shall have no other gods before Me]
2. Thou shalt not idealize thy date, you still don’t know them.
[You shall not make idols]
3. Thou shalt not bail on a date last minute. Especially not over text. Never take your date for granted. They made time for you.
Keep your word. If you say you’ll call, call. If you say you’ll text, text. If you make a date, show up for it. Confirming in advance is nice, too. Just do what you say you’ll do. And if you don’t, take some responsibility.
[You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain]
4. Remember not to use your phone when on a date, especially don’t flirt and schedule dates with other people when they are in the bathroom.
[Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy]
5. Honor thy mummy and daddy issues, aka figure your shit out, before projecting all of it on them. It is called being an adult.
[Honor your father and your mother]
6. Thou shalt not ghost. EVER.
Be brave. Don’t, do not ever, ghost people. Don’t just disappear. Be brave and say that you’re not really interested or you’re looking for something else. Say that you don’t have enough in common. Say whatever it is you’re feeling, which I know is counter-intuitive to how men are socialized and to a dishonest dating culture.
Don’t ghost someone like they don’t matter. Have some consideration for the feelings of others and not just your own feelings of fear and avoidance of conflict.
[You shall not murder]
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery
You shall always disclose if you are married, “talking to” someone, in a long distance relationship or in an open relationship. If you don’t do that, bad move! It’s time for all of us to grow up and be honest with each other. If you’re unhappy in your current relationship, end it before moving on. Case closed.
[Thou shall not commit adultery]
8. Thou shalt not pretend you are interested when you are not. REMEMBER THINE OWN HEARTBREAK
We’ve all been there: the tears, the overindulgence in junk food, the righteous indignation when relaying the story to friends. But do we ever consider the effects when we’re the villains in this scenario?
Not every ex-girlfriend is crazy, not every former boyfriend is an asshole, but we should all take a little responsibility for when we’ve played those roles.
That doesn’t mean whipping ourselves nightly (unless you’re into that sort of thing) or banishing ourselves to a lifetime of loneliness. It just means learning from our past mistakes.
[Thou shall not steal]
9. Thou shalt not bear false feelings
Let’s be real here: Are you actually into this person or are you keeping them on the back burner in case nothing better comes along? If it’s the latter, channel your inner Moses and let those people go.
You might hurt their feelings in the moment, but you’ll be doing them a favor in the long run. Trust. Be honest. Just be upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for. The right people will be totally into that, and the ones who aren’t won’t waste your time (and you won’t be wasting theirs either). You shall not tell them you were busy instead of you’re just not into them. Don’t waste their time, because you are scared of looking bad.
[You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor]
10. Thou shalt work your ex stuff out before you jump in another relationship, or promise one. Also you might want to work out any issues you might have with their ox or donkey.
[You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s]
Honorary mention: THOU SHALT DO UNTO OTHERS, AS THOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU
Feelings are bound to get hurt when emotions are involved, but it all comes down to Aretha Franklin and her famous spelling bee: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. As long as we can all agree to that, the other commandments will fall into place.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF RELATIONSHIPS
1. Thou shalt drop the Hollywood love theme and acquire realistic love life expectations
Relationships may start out in a blissful state of awe-inspiring romance, however this is called a ‘state’ or a ‘stage’ for a reason. When two lives eventually meld as one, the result can be tedious, mundane and exhausting. It is therefore up to you to keep that spark alive because no fairy godmother is waiting to hand you glass slippers and a prince reared to perfection. Spoiling him is cute, and letting him know you think he’s amazing is also really sweet. But taking this too far and doing everything for him like you’re his mother will only destroy your relationship in the long-term. It’s great that’s he’s an amazing dude, but he isn’t a god. Just remember that.
2. Thou shalt remember that every person and every relationship is different.
People don’t fall in love with what makes you the same; they fall in love with what makes you different. Be your imperfectly perfect self. We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are. And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love most about us.
Don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s – not your parent’s, friend’s, coworker’s, or that random couple whose relationship seems perfect. Every couple makes their own love rules, love agreements, and love habits. Just focus on you two, and making your relationship the best it can be.
3. Thou shalt banish your acting prowess and quit pretending nothing is wrong
Pretending you’re fine when you’re not benefits no one. This simply chokes communication lines and creates resentment and anger. Become an adult, and express your feelings.
4. Thou shalt not strive for the title of gossip king/queen
Although tiaras and crowns are fun to wear, this should not be one you’re proud to prance around in. Gushing out all your relationship problems to your boy/girlfriends may help you blow off some steam, but bashing your man/woman behind closed doors does nothing to improve your relationship, or your image. We all vent, and it’s normal to want to talk over a crappy argument with a friend or to ask for advice. But beware — if you constantly badmouth them to people, they will find out and probably wonder why you’re together in the first place if you’re so unhappy.
5. Thou shalt be yourself
Be yourself. Un-apologetically. Let them get to know the real you, flaws and all. Let them get to know your similarities and differences. Faking an interest in something you’re not interested in will do nothing more than place you on a phony pedestal and lead you on a pathway of misguided love.
6. Thou shalt take control of thy own sexual satisfaction
No man is a mind reader, so if you’re not communicating a solid and specific thumbs up or down on his performance, then you have only yourself to blame for not reaching the highs that true orgasmic intimacy can bring.
7. Thou shalt not take on another lover (unless your partner may do so also)
Just don’t do it.
True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything.
8. Thou shalt have a life outside of the ‘we’
If we become too consumed with our partners and our relationship, we forget about ourselves and our goals to become a better individual – individual being the key word. Don’t become so involved in the ‘we’ that you lose a piece of yourself.
9. Thou shalt not obsess about obtaining bodily perfection
No one is perfect, even the airbrushed models we glamorize. The more we worry about our weight and stress about our imperfections, the more reserved we become sexually and the less beautiful we feel. Opening up your imperfect self to another is the first step to true intimacy and acceptance.
Our first and last love is self-love. Don’t expect a man (or woman) to make you happy if you’re unhappy with your life. Don’t rely on your significant other, or anyone else, for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself, no one else will be able to either. You don’t need them to be happy, and being with them just because you want him to transform your life is immature and a recipe for disaster. Figure your crap out first before you go hunting for a relationship. Accept who you are completely – the good and the bad. And make changes in your life as YOU see fit – not because you think anyone else wants you to be different, but because you know it’s the right thing to do, for you.
10. Thou shalt not try and ‘fix’ your partner, as they are not broken
The more we view our better halves as in need of mending, the more we project faults onto them and blame them for our unhappiness. Work from the inside out. Whether it’s personal or relationship based, only you can start making changes for life-long happiness.
DON’T GIVE RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS TO SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH
Unless and until they make it clear that you are exclusive, do not , I repeat, do not stop going out and meeting other people. Do not assume the boyfriend or girlfriend role. It is a recipe for heartbreak. Do not shortchange yourself. Do not play yourself, boo.
It doesn’t matter if they like you. They clearly don’t like you enough, else you wouldn’t be single.
DON’T KNOWINGLY BE THE OTHER WOMAN.
It’s happened to a lot of us, and it’s really crappy. If you come to find out that you’re his mistress, cut that crap out immediately. Same for finding out that you’re supposed to be his girlfriend and he’s out sleeping with other women behind your back. You deserve so much more, so don’t put up with it under any circumstances.
That’s it guys!
I don’t think men are the problem. And I don’t think it’s women. I keep looking at our dating culture and our society, and we’re all contributing to that society. In how we interact while dating. In how we raise our children. And I think we can all do better. All of these can be applied to women as easily as to men. I think we can all stand to step up our game. And when we do that, I’m sure we’ll find our experiences are much improved.
What are your thoughts?
Is there anything you’d like to add?
Let me have them in the comments section.
Thank you for reading!
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