SCANT: A Three-Piece Series


I tagged this series #SharingMyPain on Instagram (Follow me @smalleewrites and this_smallee) because that’s exactly what I’m doing with it. Have you ever been betrayed, hurt so much that you can’t handle the pain? Do you feel like you could never hurt the person enough to make their betrayal stop hurting.. And that hurts, in every part of your body? Do you hate him now because you have loved him to a point of passion that unhinged your soul? Do you feel alone, like there’s nowhere and no one to go to? Do you feel like you’re being blinded and you can’t see the way, else you’ll be moving on?  Well, you know exactly how I feel. Apparently I seem so healthy that it’s surprising to people when I hint at “depression and suicidal desires” but that’s what this smiling mask is for. To hide how I really feel. Betrayed. Shitty. Violated. Hurt. Fucked up. Heartbroken. Scanty.
It has been said, ‘Time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. Just remember that letting go is hard but what’s harder is holding on to something that’s not real. I want to believe that someday  we’re gonna look back on this moment of our lives as such a sweet time of grieving. We’ll see that we were in mourning and our hearts were broken, but our lives were changing… Don’t ever forget that we’re in this together.
Meanwhile, enjoy the poems!
(1)
I pick up my pen today
To write everything I have to say
But like every other thing in my life,
The words rot and fade away.
 
I’ve never known this much pain
Black and dark gray fill my world
I lie alone, silent but awake
While my soul rots like a fruit that has fallen from a tree.
 
I’m better off dead
Because this pain is the only thing I can feel;
It’s become too much for me to bear
As my heart rots because it’s been pierced by a spear.
 
The noise of loneliness fills my head
And
I’m not sure if I can do this anymore…
 
I could write but these words will break under the weight of my despair…
 
From the inside out, I’m being eaten up..
 
These words just aren’t enough.
-Smallee
(2)
With shaky hands,
I pick up my pen again.
Maybe this time the words will stay
And the depth of my pain, they will portray.
 
But I’m blinded by flashes and visions
And the ink blots all over my heart.
 
I can’t handle it, this feeling
I can’t wait for it to consume me.
 
I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine
But maybe the waves of the tears that I cry in silence
Will wash away the emptiness in my soul.
 
Two days later
And…
I put down my pen again because…
 
These words still aren’t enough.
-Smallee
(3)
As I pick up my pen again four days later, I cry;
Blood red tears fall from the cracks in my broken heart
As this hurt cuts deep into my being.
 
As if my life is flashing in front of my eyes,
I see a lot of hurt and too many tears.
 
Everything’s spinning so fast I can’t breathe;
I open my eyes and see flashes of you and me from before
But now you have become this paralyzing sickness
That has taken complete control of me.
 
R… I can’t even say it.
 
I know I can’t cure this pain with mortal stabs and fatal slices
But how can I be free from it?
Just for a little bit?
 
Maybe as the crimson red leaves my skin,
I’ll release the pain in my soul
Maybe it’ll feel just as good as sin.
 
All I know is I’m drowning in deep dark despair
Struggling to breathe,
I’m suffocating.
 
And I could go on and on
But…
 
These words will never be enough.
-Smallee

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