And I’m only saying this because I used to care deeply for and about you. It took me a while to realise that your behaviour when we were together was consequent of a problem that you have left unattended; I know you won’t admit it to yourself so here I am to help you with it… You are verbally and physically abusive. You’re an emotional bully. You need anger management. You need to bridle your tongue or you’ll land yourself in too much trouble than you can handle.
One would expect that a guy (more like man) your age would be mature enough to know that things won’t always go your way but it is not so in your case. Every time you don’t get your way, you lash out. I remember being slapped because apparently someone had been calling me. I remember being slapped because I said that MY dad was annoying ME. I remember, quite recently if I may add, you hitting my cap and snatching it off my head to throw it away because I didn’t want to talk to you. You even said “I don’t want to talk to you either. Fuck you!” If we weren’t outside, you would have slapped me. I know it. I remember being called a bitch, a prostitute and a slut because I hung out with my male friends; quite ironic, considering we met when I was hanging out with guys. Or the fact that they are your friends and family rules them out!?
Once upon a time, I was in love with you. Do you remember that? How I’d do anything to make you happy? It feels like a lifetime ago that I was madly, helplessly, totally in love with you. Or maybe the idea of you. Or just the idea of love. I honestly don’t know anymore. My mind is clouded when I look back on that time in my life. After we broke up, you phoned me to apologise. A couple of times I gave you the time you wanted, I heard you out, and in my response I was as honest as I could have been at that time but when you realised that I wasn’t backing down and giving in to you, you resorted to abuse as if that would help your course. I know I have always made my best decisions by thinking on the spot, but sometimes I lose my train of thought and/or stumble over my words. I have told you and all the people you have sent to me that your apology is not needed, that it isn’t something that I think about or want to hear, and that it means absolutely nothing to me. It’s the truth. Your apologies contribute nothing towards my forgiveness of you because you go about it all wrong. This post isn’t to embarrass you, else I would post screenshot of the text messages you send to me after making a mess of your supposed apologies. You can’t be apologising for ruining my faith in guys and telling me that YOU forgave ME for worse things. What’s worse than hitting and abusing someone you claim you love? What’s worse than telling them at every turn that they’re worthless even when they treat you with nothing but love and they demand absolutely nothing in return? In order to forgive you, I had first to forgive myself for letting you get to me all those months ago. And that is not a process that you need to be a part of. BACK OFF!
You need to stop calling my friends and asking them about “the guy I’m fucking”. It’s abso-fucking-lutely none of your business. I was faithful to you throughout our relationship and I have no obligations towards you at the moment so stop trying to force your way back into my life. I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be nothing! Do you know how hard it is for me to type this open letter? For me to tell the whole world what you put me through? No you don’t. In your narcissistic way of thinking, you seem to believe that you made me who I am today, that you taught me what I know today. You were my first so maybe you’re right about teaching me one thing. But on second thought, I realise that you didn’t teach me shit. I know what I know about sex because I took my time to research and figure things out for myself. I am who I am today because I had the good fortune of getting out of that sticky situation (Only you and my really close friends will understand this but pun fucking intended) before things got even worse. Who knows, you probably would have left me with bruises and scars if I hadn’t.
We broke up almost a year ago and I smiled. Not because I was a bad person but because I was free. I was a bird, ready to take to the skies, but I was scared. I had based my entire life around the love that we shared and I was scared that I wouldn’t know how to be alone. I entered into the relationship as a fearless and somewhat naïve individual, and perhaps also a little bit ignorant. I was arrogant and cheeky; the kind of character you either loved to be around or couldn’t tolerate at all. Regardless, I was also happy. I had my circle of friends and they supported me every step of the way but I was too ashamed to tell them the details.Well, now they will know. I pride myself on doing what I can to help other people and I know that I am appreciated by all of those who are close to me so this post will help other girls out there that are going through the same thing to be strong and get out. During the course of our relationship, I changed a lot. I became more aware of the unhealthy turn which it began to take and I tried to talk to you about it but all you did was apologise and blame me for upsetting you.
You should learn to admit that you’re wrong without trying to share the blame with the person you hurt. Saying, ” I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have done that but you pushed me” or “Please forgive me, I have forgiven you for worse things” is no way to apologise to someone that you hurt deeply. It was awesome at the beginning but immediately I resumed university life, your insecurities got the better of you. Towards the end I was constantly lying to family and friends that it was the perfect relationship, when I was scared to go home because then we’d fight and you’d insult me or hit me; and I was desperately trying to cover up the pain with a smile that never faltered.
You didn’t approve of my friends, so I cut ties with the ones that I could. You didn’t like my style, so I tried, and failed, my best to dress to your satisfaction. I didn’t see then that this was merely a ruse to ensure that I was totally dependent on you- my circle of friends depleted so you were the only one I had. Everything I had was yours. Piece by piece you broke me down and shaped me into what you wanted me to be, fully under your control. There were so many violent moments in our relationship. Perhaps you don’t remember them the way I do because you were the instigator and for you they would be less important. You would only remember if they were incidents that your conscience only took a break for, but a person with no conscience can sleep well at night and forget the events of the day before. I guess the drinking helped you with that. Remember the day you slapped me multiple times because according to your slurred words, one guy had been calling me? Remember that we hadn’t even seen each other at all that day and there was no way you could have known who was or was not calling me? Maybe you don’t but I do. I was stupid and desperately in love, therefore naturally I made excuses for your behaviour. I helped you blame it on the alcohol and I never brought it up after that night. I realise now that that was the beginning of all this trouble.
I didn’t want to do this but yesterday you made me realise that you’re an unrepentant abuser and you need to seek help. When you ran after me and tried to play things off as cool, I wanted to slap you. Hard. I honestly did. But I didn’t. I won’t. When I pulled off your arm from my shoulder, I could sense that you thought I was merely playing hard to get. When I didn’t budge and you started raising your voice, I told you that I didn’t want drama, that I wasn’t angry with you, that I just wasn’t interested in talking to you or being friends. You know what you did? You almost hit me. You took off my hat and threw it away. Just like I did to myself and my heart after we broke up, I picked up the hat, dusted it and put it back on. Remember what I screamed after you? “YOU NEED HELP. BETTER GET YOURSELF CHECKED!” I’m sure you thought it was just the anger talking. On the contrary, I wasn’t angry at all. I felt sorry for you. I still feel very sorry for you. Now that I’m really thinking about it, I’m sure I thought that you may be bipolar or have some other mental illness. All I know is, this obsession has to stop!
You claim that I am playing God by not forgiving you. Why the fuck are you playing the victim and telling everybody that you don’t know why I hate you? If you want to be honest with them, tell them how you called me a ho more times than you can count. Instead of telling the people I respect that you don’t know why I don’t want to talk to you and be friends with you, tell them how many times you hit me across the face and handled me roughly; if you can remember. Oh… Remember how you broke the power bank that was gifted to me by my dad, in a rage? I’m sure you were hoping that was my skull.
Stop sending me text messages, saying that you didn’t teach me to be unforgiving. You didn’t teach me shit. I repeat, nada! You didn’t make me! You’re nothing to me. I can’t honestly say that I forgive you. In fact, I’m not sure I can fully forgive you and that’s not just my ego talking. You bruised more than my ego and it’ll take a while to forgive you if I ever do.
I assure you this isn’t revenge. In your close minded way of thinking, you may question why it has taken me so long to do this. I am, however, also well aware of your indifference to the feelings of other people (namely me) unless it favours you and you therefore may not actually care at all. But I will tell you anyway. I am doing this to get the closure of all closures. I am done trying to keep it all in. The signs of an abusive relationship were all there from the beginning. You didn’t deserve me. You never will. You’re toxic and I’m never letting you back into my life. That’s not to say that I don’t mean it when I say that you should get some help. I sincerely hope that you take my advice. Calling her a slut isn’t any way to treat the girl you claim you love.
I seem crazy, don’t I? That’s what you told me, anyway. For the longest time, you would call me insane. You called me crazy to my face, all of those nights when your alcohol consumption got in the way of your logic. And then? All those nights when your texts to me went unanswered you automatically believed that I was cheating on you with someone or the other; and started raining abuses on me. Who then was the crazy one? It was easier that way, wasn’t it? To call me crazy. I get it. Really. It’s easier to place the blame on someone else than take responsibility. So now that I think I have finally, finally said all of the things I’ve wanted to say to you for a very, very long time, I need to admit: I wasn’t perfect either. I’m not perfect. I never will be. I lied. I hid things. I told you what you wanted to hear instead of what I truly felt. I trusted you more than you trusted me. But I loved the idea of it. I loved the idea of you. Or the idea of everything you could give me. So I ignored the panic in my heart. I ignored the way my friends’ voices filled will coolness, whenever they’d say your name. And I ignored the pit in my stomach, every time I realised that it wasn’t right. And then every time I chose to ignore it. But that’s all I’m apologising for. Because the rest? The rest is on you.
How you brought up my past, and made me feel bad about it. How you yelled at me because you were my first and you were convinced that I was whoring around. Those times you would call me a bitch. A slut. A cunt. A skank who was cheating on you with her friend, a person I didn’t think of in that way at all. How you went through my personal belongings, went through my stuff to criticise, shame, and devalue me. The way you would say unimaginably horrible things to me, and mock me as I cried. And then the way you would apologise after some minutes or the next day. The way you would start the cycle over. The way you promised that you would change. And the way that I forgave you. Every. Single. Time. That shit? That’s on you.
One strong day, however, I stopped forgiving. I stopped giving in. And I stopped letting you run, and ruin, my life. Of all the things I’ve done in my time on Earth, that’s one that I’m most proud of. That I got out. That I got away. That the clouds parted, even for a second, so I could see clearly. Clearly enough to leave, and never, ever come back. But that didn’t stop you, did it? Sure, you texted me for awhile. Even after we both moved on, you still tried to contact me. During day-time hours it would be to say you missed me. You still loved me. You wanted me back, or you at least wanted to be friends. And at night? The other side of you took over. Ugly, hurtful, cruel words filled with typos were sent from the alcohol in your system, only to be followed by a tired apology the next day. I wish you’d just fall in love with someone else. It’s been almost a year!
But thank you. I’m strong now. I know to handle things. I’m determined to make a go of my life and do well. I will remember what you did to me and it will push me on. But you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Thank you for helping me realise it is you that is worthless and me who is worthy. I’ve done well for myself. I still have a long way to go and I’m fighting with my depression and anxiety everyday but I’ve got my life to fight for now. Not empty months of abuse. I’m not condoning what you did, but I’m happy you taught me to be free and to get away from people like you, I learnt a lot of life lessons with my time with you and I know when someone isn’t worth my time of day.
Getting away from you was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Please get some help. I’m going to be an hypocrite right now and ask you to stop drinking.
That being said, I hope you’ll leave me alone after you read this.
And I hope we never meet again.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, please get out while you still can. It is no way to live life. Love isn’t abusive. You are better off alone. Please leave him or her and report them to the authorities if they persist and harass you. Don’t let a toxic person back into your life just because you’re lonely or he’s persistent and seems like he’s changed; it isn’t worth it in the long run. You deserve so much better. I love you and I am here for you.
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