Ask Smallee: Stiff/Boring Partner


Heyyy my favorite blogstar,

Always good to be back here reading. Read through this one with smiles,grins and wows al through.

What happens when you have a stiff partner who isn’t open to trying new things or toys but just prefers the usual old way of rolling? Your thoughts please.


Hey Paul,

Thank you for always taking your time to visit SmalleeWrites. I appreciate you so very much, that’s why I have decided to write to you about your question on “having a partner who isn’t open to trying new things or toys but prefers the usual old way of rolling”.

I’d start by saying that exploration on a typical day is something that takes real conviction with your mind made up to see what possibilities lie ahead if you were just a bit more curious and almost anything can be explored eg Land, Water, Body, Sexuality etc. Now although this sounds normal it’s only peculiar to a number of people, because people generally don’t like change especially depending on their personalities or interests.

Exploration of sexuality on the other hand takes not only curiosity, interests but patience as well to see what possibilities lie with understanding your body’s like and dislikes. If while you’re exploring your partner is stiff then you need to give him/her enough time to come around, channel his interests as well as increase curiosity to knowing more about their body (and yours).

Sex should be fun! But when one partner is all about switching things up while the other likes to stick with the same routine, someone’s going to be left feeling unsatisfied.

I’m the type of person who really enjoys being adventurous in the bedroom. From exploring fantasies to testing out new toys, I’m all about trying things at least once. Because of that, I’m always hoping my partner is just as open to anything as I am.

It’ll be pretty disappointing if you’re someone like me and you’re with someone who wants to stick with the same exact routine every single time. So what’s the best way to deal with a partner who’s – for lack of a better word – boring in bed?

1. Communication

Before you have the talk, it’s very crucial that you take a look at yourself first. Are you bored because you’re not orgasming enough? Or is it because you have a fantasy that hasn’t been fulfilled? Once you’ve figured this out, you’ll be able to communicate that to your partner.

2. Foreplay All Day Long

“Remember foreplay starts after the last orgasm,” Morse says. So doing something small during the day like sending sexy texts about what you’d like to do to your partner when you see them later can make things much hotter when you both get together. Sexting, sending nudes and” traps”, those are great ideas to incorporate into your ordinary communications.

3. Games

“It’s possible, even likely, that one partner isn’t boring so much as the couple hasn’t found fun things to do or try that are mutually interesting or exciting,” Derek Newton, founder of, a site dedicated to helping couples explore their fantasies in a private way.

How this works is, couples anonymously complete a questionnaire on their sexual interests individually and afterwards, they’re sent a list of things that both partners showed interest in. It could be anything from role play to bondage to adding in other people.

You can download apps and play 18+ games while you’re together.

You can get glow in the dark sex dice as well. They’re available for sale at Virago. You can contact them directly by clicking on the links below:Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp.

You can also try joining 18+ group chats and taking note of what your partner says.

4. Teamwork

“Partners who are ‘boring in bed’ may just not be used to taking initiative when it comes to mixing it up sexually or there can simply be a lack of understanding of how to make things more exciting,” Dr. Kat Van Kirk, licensed marriage and family therapist and resident sex expert at Adam and Eve.

“Don’t just think of a boring sex life as something you need to fix individually. It can’t just be your problem or your partner’s. It needs to be the both of you. Think of communication as medicinal to your relationship,” Van Kirk says. “The more engaged and spontaneous you both can be, the more likely you’ll be together longer in a satisfying relationship over all.”

5. Spontaneity

If your partner isn’t taking the lead on making things more fun, do it yourself! As Van Kirk suggests, you can even make a game out of it by seeing who can surprise each other the most. If you’re in need of a couple of ideas, making a surprise shower visit or initiating a make out session in the car are great places to start. You should try and initiate more secret rendezvous in public too so you can finish up at home.

6. Focus On Sensuality

“So many people get stuck on sexual compatibility that they forget nerves and anxiety can really wreck havoc,” Dr. Jennifer Rhodes, licensed psychologist, relationship expert, and the founder of the bi-costal consultancy, Rapport Relationships. Rather than focusing on sex, Rhodes tell clients to focus on sensuality.

You can buy scented candles and essential oils to set the mood. You can even give each other a massage to help decrease anxiety and open communication to how each person likes to be touched. Sit with each other, break out a bottle of wine, and simply talk about anything but sex. You may be surprised by how a little sensuality and relaxation can make your sex life better.

7. Be Open And Honest But Be Nice

Even if you know you like to keep things simple in bed, nobody wants to hear that they’re boring or vanilla or anything but the greatest thing ever. So It’s always good to be sensitive when you’re talking about issues related to sex. If you’re too blunt with the truth, it can really impact your partner’s confidence and sink your sex life altogether.

8. Visuals

Don’t be afraid to use porn or articles you find on the internet to help describe things you want to try. Only you can gauge you and your partner’s comfort level with porn, but it can be a great conversation starter.Being with a partner who’s boring in bed can be a huge problem if it goes undiscussed. Often with your hectic lives and your long lists of to-do’s, you may neglect to take the time to communicate in a way that expresses your true feelings. You might think that you’ll be fine, it’ll get better with time or it really doesn’t matter that much. I recommend that you keep it spicy by keeping communication in the forefront of your minds and in their bedrooms.

9. Check In After Sex

Leave your inhibitions at the door. Be fearless and open with what you really want in the bedroom and always reward your partner for a job well done. After sex is a great time to check in about what went well and share some moments to enjoy just holding each other. If your partner used to do something in the bedroom before, remind them of how much you liked it.I suggest using statements like:

“I really get turned on when we…”

“I love it when we do this…”

“It makes me feel super sexy when…”

Talking about sex can be a sensitive topic, so always start with the positives and try to avoid ‘you’ messages.Furthermore, be open and non-judgmental. You might not get the response you’re looking for or you might get an unexpected earful now that the door has been open. Remember to keep it light and be willing to take baby steps before expecting to set up the sex swing.

Remember that everyone’s definition of “boring” is different. That’s why knowing yourself and being able to communicate that is important. In turn, your partner might become more comfortable sharing what they like. You never know — opening up about what you want in bed may just be exactly what your sex life needs.

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