Hello readers (or whoever’s left out there),
It was 4 am and I was just lying in bed listening to The Neighbourhood’s R.I.P 2 My Youth and bawling my eyes out when I finally got the strength to post something on here. I have to be the laziest “blogger” that I know. These days it just seems like I’m living my life in freestyle, not really knowing where it’s going and not exactly caring. I have tried and failed to hold on to so many things- friends, relationships, money… And it seems like they all slip through my fingers. It all hurts.
I’m willing to bet my life that nobody knew I was feeling this way because I didn’t even realize it until tonight when the tears wouldn’t just stop. For the first time in years, I painted my nails a bright color thanks to my roommate, but when nobody was looking, I wiped them off and painted them black again. What does that say about me? I know I deserve to be happy but does this mean I am scared of letting myself experience this elusive emotion? Or do I simply love the color black?
Why at 20 I feel like the world’s problems are on my shoulders, I’ll never know. Or maybe I do know but this knowledge hasn’t helped me throw them off. Rather, it just adds on to the luggage and all the confusion. Sometimes I feel fireproof; other times I just feel like I’m burning up from the inside out. I’m sick and tired of feeling insecure and weak when I know for a fact that it’s not who I am. If you have any idea how I can get rid of this feeling, please let me know. Don’t say masturbation, please. Because if I do that, I’ll sleep and I fear what I’ll see in my dreams. So please no.
I want to go out and be with people I call my friends, people that I know absolutely love me and care about me, but my body is just not willing on some days and I end up staying in bed doing absolutely nothing with my life. Maybe it seems like I’m withdrawing from people but I honestly cannot help it. It’s just that even when I’m around these people, I still feel lonely as fuck and I’d rather be lonely on my own than around the people that I love the most. I feel inadequate because even they cannot fill this vacuum in my heart.
(General note to the educated fuckboys out there:
I’m lonely, yes, and I may fall easily, but if you’re not willing to be serious about me and actually give a fuck about my struggle and what I’m feeling, don’t you dare worm your way into my life and try to waste my time. The featured image up there is a portrait of my inner animal- a cute cat with her claws drawn. I can hurt you back; I’ll scratch your face, I could even stab you in your sleep. So don’t fucking waste my time!)
Some people know the lyrics to each other’s songs; they find harmonies in their laughter, their linked elbows echo in tune… But I always wonder why it always seems like I can’t hum on key, why it seems like my melodies are the ones that nobody hears. Some people can recognize a tree,a front yard, and know they have made it home. Some people. Not me. Me, it just seems like I am lost… Like I am walking in circles and I just can’t find my way home. -Hannah in 13 Reasons Why.
I turn to God every single day now. I cry and pray and beg and plead for a miracle. Something. Anything to just take this feeling, this pain away. I’m waiting for the peace I know I will get from Him and I’m holding on tight, not ever gonna let go. I just need a message from God. Something. Anything. Maybe even just a tiny voice saying, “The universe is a mystery and you’re a part of that mystery,” because right now, maybe that’s all the answer I need to all my prayers.
I have more to say but I’ll keep that for the next post. And please, don’t forget to send me your entries. Till then..
Here are the four poems I promised. Enjoy.
Her fears chase her down the lane
Where loss went to rest.
The memories are now like a stain
On the shirt that she likes the best.
Darkness envelops her thoughts
Like she’s taking a walk in a graveyard.
All the while she’s wondering;
Are crickets chirping or have bats taken flight?
Tearing at her guts is the anguish
Of knowing that she isn’t loved.
It should be a crime punishable by death,
The calm on her face that she hides behind.
Her head gets consumed by loneliness
Until her whole life is swallowed by unending loss.
She slowly but surely fades away
Into her days which are filled with fogs and dark gray.
She waits and waits
For someone to peel off the mask.
Someone who won’t just slink to the shadows;
Is that too much to ask?
Vagina is my name
And between your legs is where I’ll remain
Giving pleasure to all who visit
In-between my red, wet lips.
Now I wonder why you all call me
Anything but a vagina
I love you.
You’re the one that was there to hold me
When those questions were whistling
A sad tune to my hearing.
(Dedicated to Dammy of Life of Dammy)
My heart’s been ripped apart.
I will give myself time to heal,
And the pain will wane;
The mourning will come to an end
And I will still remain-
Strong, beautiful and full of love.
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