Hiiii guys!

From my experience, it seems there are two types of football fans.

The first type supports their local team by default. It is the team their father and their brother(s) supported, so the allegiance came almost by birthright.

Then you have the other kind: the fan who came late or never cared much till they watched one particularly fantastic player/football match and got hooked.

I myself am a little bit of both. All the males in my family are Man Utd fans and we used to have a large crowd of people watching football in our living room on most days of the week, but I didn’t start following the sport until the day I watched Ru’ud Van Nistelrooy score a hat trick. Even though I don’t watch football now as much as I used to, I haven’t looked back ever since.

If thereโ€™s something more loyal than a dog to its master, it is a football fan to his/her favourite club so it is not hard to believe people who follow the same sport or support the same teams might develop similar traits. If you can enjoy a rival clubโ€™s loss more than your favourite clubโ€™s victory, then I think anything is possible.

With that, I welcome you once again to SmalleeWrites.

This is my own spin on what the football club you support says about you; and I wrote this post about three months ago so some things might be different now.

Also, this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

ARSENAL

Firstly, if you were there when the alphabets were created, I doubt there’d be a W; and you must be sapiosexual because opposites attract, right?

Secondly, you’d be useless as a bra because, well, no cup. At this point, you must envy beverages because at least they get to be with one.

How do you feel about magnets? Jealous, right? At least, they have a positive side. Ahnahn! Suffer no dey tire you?

Don’t get me wrong. You seem like a nice person but it doesn’t make up for the fact that you let loyalty keep you in situations that common sense should have taken you out of.

Don’t tell me you’re holding on to hope that things might get better. There are many fishes in the sea; I think it might be time to dip your hook in deeper waters.

Lastly, you might want to stop wanking; give someone else a chance to Come on You Gunners.

CHELSEA

You remind me of a mushroom; your head has become unnecessarily big for your body. It’s not your fault though. My own is: I hope you remember to pay for two seats at the viewing center – one for you to sit in and the other for you to throw when you start fighting, AGBERO.

Also you strike me as an uncircumcised guy, since it seems one has to be a complete prick to be a Chelsea fan these days. No difference between you and mosquitoes but at least they’re only annoying at night.

LIVERPOOL

With the points you have amassed, I think you might be good at geometry, but you seem like the type that takes 30 years to find their bearing so you really shouldn’t be laughing at anybody.

How does it feel to be an elephant at the top of a tree? Knowing that you’re not sure when or how it’ll happen but you will fall?

A lot of people dread drowning in your pool but you know which ship isn’t docking there again anytime soon? The Premiership.

MANCHESTER CITY

So you’re a true City fan? Since when? Please mention one club legend that made you start supporting the club. We know your type abeg. I hope the club doesn’t fall on bad times sha ’cause it might be time for you to start supporting Arsenal or Chelsea again.

MANCHESTER UNITED

You’re not that different from a sperm; so optimistic despite how low your chances of becoming “something” are at the moment.

And you seem a naive spoiled child. Your lengthy period of privilege has left you unprepared for diffficult times.

You’re in an obviously toxic relationship but you’ve chosen to ignore it. Why? Do you think “Manchester is red” applies here? Fix up, dear.

One last thing, I hope you remember to do the laundry this weekend so you can have some clean sheets at least.

Are these accurate or not? Let me know what you think in the comments section. Criticism and suggestions are all welcome.

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4 Responses

  1. Omoooo…

    As a Man U fan, I was laughing till I got to our section. Why you gotta do us like this??

    Beautiful funny write-up as always
    Looking forward to reading more from you…

    Maybe something for the Konji this cold is bringing.

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