On the way to Dependence, I think about you.
What a problem it could become, this madly inappropriate desire for you.
I crave those lambent strokes of my tongue against your skin
And that inexplicable thing you do that breaks my consciousness into pieces-
Scattered into an unfinished puzzle.
After your luscious search down my throat, my heart turns sluggish,
Pumping poisonous blood through my collapsing limbs
And there is a ballooning, thumping sensation in my head
As if my brain has suddenly become too large for my skull.
Emotions slamming hard against the walls of my heart
And falling limply into my empty stomach.
Heart heavy, aching with contained feelings,
A hard knot within the numbness.
As I use the blood from these wounds that time won’t heal to keep it beating,
A few thoughts needle through the blanket of nothingness-
Pinpricks of light in the dark.
I’d think of your eyes, all those shades of red;
How you’ll never know that I love you and you make me see bursting stars in my head.
You give me release just from holding my breath long enough;
Making me have fantasies so wicked they would send us both straight to hell if I told them to you.
Your body is a canvas, I want to draw directly on you with feather and ink.
You make me think about death,
I imagine all the guilt and fear and fury and sadness that I’ve ever felt,
Lifting away like feather on a breeze.
Committing every mortal sin known to man with profane desire,
I want to map your body, chart the north, south, east and west of you.
Like water trickling through my fingers,
I can feel myself dying more every hour that I spend trying to live;
But you keep me suffused with desperate heat and a ruthless persistence,
Craving things I have no word for…
Today I installed a Diary app on my phone. I intended to live life and do things just so I have something to write in it at the end of every day. And then from nowhere, BOOM! I’m hit with the mother of all panic attacks. This is the second time in just three days that it’s happening and it’s the scariest feeling I’ve ever had in my life. There’s rarely any time that music doesn’t help me out of the very low days but today I had to resort to calling a friend over. It seemed to help though and for that I’m grateful.
I know it’s a new year and I should have posted something since but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and getting too lost in my thoughts to actually do anything about them.
I want to say a very huge thank you to Ruth Uzoma Dulac for helping me out of that very dark place two nights ago. I love you babe and I’m trying.
I also say a very huge thank you to Osobisi Feranmi for coming over and making me do this. I hope it makes you happy.
To every girl out there that feels useless, dirty, worthless, unwanted, rejected, lost, alone and is tired of living, you’re not alone. We’re in this together. Let’s take it one day at a time. If you ever feel like you’re falling to the darkness, please reach out to me and I’ll be right there to save you from drowning.
For the next couple of days, I’m going to be sharing poems that I’ve written but never got around to titling or posting for that matter. I hope you all enjoy them.
I’m also going to be giving a kinda review of how I’m feeling. It’ll give me something to look forward to.
Finally, please check out my anthology on Wattpad. It’s titled Bloody Ink Spills.
I love you. Let’s not give up.
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